There are four major life events I have experienced that have completely changed who I am. In no particular order: February 6th 2009, March 22nd 2010, December 8th 2007, and November 12th 2008. Look at that four years in a row changed my life. Two of these dates are the best days I have ever had.
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| At least on the bottom half of me. |
And the other two days are the darkest days. This is about December 8th 2007.
Do you have days in your life that you will always remember, no matter what? I am sure you do, you'll remember the clothes you were wearing, the way things smelled, and the way you reacted when that most important moment happened. I remember driving in a gentle snow, nothing crazy just moderate snowfall. I remember the way that the snow flakes looked as they bounced off of the hood of my car, and the way they looked magical in the head lights of my car. I was so excited that Sirius was playing non stop Christmas music on a couple channels and my car was filled with such sweet sounds of Christmastime; Christmas is absolutely one of my favorite times of year. I love the sounds and smells. The warm fuzzy feeling of being with family and all of the hugs and love you get from family members you don't see very often. Anyway, I was headed to a Christmas party driving behind one of my friends in an area of Jersey I didn't know all to well. And I lost control of my car on a patch of black ice, and before I knew it BANG!! The sound of metal hitting metal, the way the airbag popped up in my face, and the way Oh Holy Night was playing on the radio took over me. I had just been in a head on car accident, and in just a split second everything I had ever known about myself changed, and the former Erin died.
It was instantaneous, as I sat in my car and looked around I knew in a moment I was injured, more than just a cut and maybe a broken bone. My right hip and leg were crushed and distorted in a way that seemed inhumanly possible. My chest hurt like I was being crushed by hands of a huge giant. Every time I tried to move my right leg it was like my mind could not control the movements. I looked around my now totaled car, windows busted out, the smell of oil, the way I could see the pavement of the road on the front passenger floor. My friend Megan, who to this day I do not know how she stayed so calm, came running to my car. I could see it in her face she expected the worst, either me unconscious or even dead. The look on her face when I actually started talking to her was even better, almost relief. She had called 911 as had most people on the road as well. She kept telling me Er be still sit still don't move just stay calm. I was calm, I just wanted to get out of the tangled mess I was in. In what seemed seconds, the police arrived followed by the firetrucks and ambulances, and on their faces was the same look I had from my friend. Is this person alive? And when they found out, relief.
As the emergency workers came upon the scene the same questions were asked over and over again; "What's your name?" "How old are you?" "When is your birthday?" "Who is the president?" over and over and over...Erin, 24, April 19th 1983, Bush Jr...they were just making sure that I was alert and oriented I know that, but it got old. I think now, as I write this, those answers change What's your name? Someone who was once Erin Hewitt, Age? 31 physically, Date of Birth? well that's a hard one. Are you asking for my true date of birth or the day the new Erin was born? In that case December 8th 2007.
I digress, so as the workers were taking vitals and surveying the accident scene it was brought to my attention that I was physically pinned in the car. The dash board came lose from the frame of the car and it was pinning the lower half of my body. From that point things progressed very fast. Firefighters and EMT workers were pulling and trying to lift the dash board off of me, a medic was in the backseat starting an IV in my arm, and I still felt no pain. I was in shock. And then the fire chief came over to me and said "Ms. Hewitt, you're jammed in your car pretty good so we are going to try and use the jaws of life on the car. Do you know what that is? You are going to feel pressure and we are going to cut a part of the car to try and get you out. I need you to stay still, breath, and stay calm." So, that is what they did, and it was scary. There was a firefighter and a medic in the backseat as all this was going on, and the firefighter was joking the whole time keeping me calm. I hope he knows he really helped me that night.
As soon as the part they cut out was removed, I felt the pain. I was hurting bad, before that the car was acting like a splint and keeping my leg in place, not anymore. I can not even put into words the pain I felt, it was nothing like I had ever experienced before. I was still partially stuck in the car, and here comes the worst part, they wanted me to push as hard as I could on my bad leg to get myself out. To this day I don't know what I did or how I did it but with all the adrenaline and strength my broken body could muster, I managed to push my way out of the wreckage that was my car. And there I lay on a stretcher, on a backboard with a collar around my neck. I could not lay correctly and my right leg was so distorted. Not only was it in a funny direction but my leg was so compressed that when I tried to lay with my legs stretched my right leg didn't match with my left, in fact it was just over half the length of my left leg. As they were rolling me away from my car, I only got a glimpse of what the car looked like. The windshield was cracked the bumper was obliterated and it looked like the front half was smashed into the back seat. I did not recognize the car at all. I knew that I was lucky, well at least I was alive.
The ride to the hospital was hell, there was talk about air lifting me to Cooper Hospital in Camden New Jersey but because of the weather the helicopter was unable to make it. So we went in the ambulance, and every little bump and turn was so agonizing. I couldn't get any pain medication because the only think that they had in the ambulance was Morphine. which I am highly allergic to. We went to the first hospital which was Kennedy in Washington Township, but they wouldn't accept me because the ER doctor said I was classified as a level I trauma and I needed to go to a Trauma unit, though they were nice enough to give me Dilaudid to take the edge off. So, up to Cooper we went. I don't remember much from the time we left Kennedy till we got to Cooper. I think the shock of it all was settling in.
Once I got to Cooper, things got real serious. I went into a trauma room in their ER and there were nurses and doctors everywhere. I had people cutting off all my clothes and starting IV's all over me. (funny story, I had just bought new underwear and I was PISSED they were cutting it off, I was critically injured but damn it they just cut off a $40 bra!!) They were trying to evaluate me and rolling me back and forth. The pain was excruciating. I had a portable x-ray done on the spot, and that's when I remember hearing the words 'broken' 'shattered' and 'dislocated'. I had finally been drugged properly, and the doctor told me I had a bunch of fractures and breaks in at least my leg and hip but they needed to do a better x-ray and a CAT-Scan to see if I had any other serious injuries, and for those tests they were going to twilight sedate me. I don't remember anything about those tests, the next thing I knew they were telling me that they were going to put me in a medically induced coma to try and fix my hip temporarily because it was completely dislocated. After that it was lights out Erin. I remember waking up once while I was intubated and my parents were there along with my boyfriend and I was in traction. I was sent to a Trauma Unit, and I was in external traction. I do not remember a lot of this time period I was on continuous pain medicine and was in and out.
When all was said and done I had broken my right femur, shattered and broken most of my right hip, cracked and fractured my pelvis in 6 different places, and broke my lower back and tail bone. I had also bruised the cavity around my heart and had a concussion. I spent just about 7 weeks in Cooper Hospital, a week and a half of that was in Trauma ICU the other weeks were on a unit called Cardiac Care Unit because I needed to be hooked to telemetry because of the swelling around my heart was causing my heart to have arrhythmia's so I needed to be monitored constantly. Also, because I had so much trauma in my pelvic cavity my bladder was in a different place as was my uterus. They still functioned they just were placed differently. I had 3 surgeries all of which were over 5 hours long, the shortest was 5 and a half hours long, the longest was just about 13 hours long. I have a bunch of metal placed in me that keeps the lower half of me together, one of the Operation reports says 58 the other says 68, I just know that I have a lot.
I spent Christmas and New Years in the hospital, earlier I said it was my favorite time of year, this one sucked. Hospitals in general are depressing, they are even worse during the Holidays. My parents and family and friends visited me often, and I always had flowers and fruit baskets in my room. My mom decorated my room for Christmas with a fiber optic tree and lights. There were cards all over my walls from friends cheering me up. But it still sucked. Depression hit me hard. I hated that I could not feel my leg, I hated that I had to stay in one position most of the time. I hated that the wounds from my operations got infected and I ended up with sepsis. I also caught a nasty hospital bug called C-Diff, it was horrible. I hated everything and I had some really REALLY dark days. I was discharged from Cooper Hospital but still could not go home, so I had to go to a rehab hospital. I hated it there too, all I wanted was to be home in my own bed. I am grateful now for both Cooper Hospital and the rehab I went to because with out their experience and knowledge and hard work, who knows how bad off I would be.
But, it doesn't end there. A part of me died on December 8th, 2007. To this day I still have range of motion issues with my right leg, and most of my leg from the knee to the hip is numb because of the extensive nerve damage. I can not sit or stand for long periods of time, and I walk with a noticeable limp. I used to be carefree and full of life, and now I am always careful to the edge of almost obsessive with safety, and my life isn't nearly as full as it could be. My mental health hasn't exactly helped me either, and I used to think in the past that it would have been easier had I died that night. Now, don't get me wrong I am happy that I am still here, I am even happier that I have two children who love me unconditionally and who I love the same way. In many ways they are the reason I am still here. But, that doesn't make me not wish that I had done things differently that day. I wish the pain wasn't real, but it is and it sucks.
I go on though. I smile and laugh. I make jokes and witty comments, but I am not the same Erin I was on December 7th 2007. That Erin is a distant memory. She exists in a time and place that is no longer here. I miss her sometimes, she was a great person with such great potential. I still am a great person with potential, but she was different. I buried her away and adapt now to the new Erin that was born on December 8th 2007. She may not be who I think she should be, but I do what I can. This new Erin is a mix of so much, and it has taken me a long time to be okay with the death of the old me.
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