An Undeniable Bond...

"Someday we'll all be gone, but lullaby's go on and on. They never die,  that's how you and I will be" Billy Joel Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel)

I wrote this long blog, remembering every detail of the time period of my mom's death. Yes, I lost my

mom, I was 25 she was 55, she was way too young. Anyway, I had it all written out, every detail, and then I decided that is not what I want to remember.

November 11th, 2008 was one of the worst days I have ever had. I was in the room when she drew in her last labored breath, and watched in silence as the last few beats of her heart were monitored above her, from 40 to 25 to 10 to 0. I witnessed it, I saw it happen. It was the first moment in my life that I didn't have the one person I knew since conception in my life. We didn't always see eye to eye and I am sure I caused her more heartache and gray hair than I care to admit, but she was my mom. There is an undeniable bond between mother and child,I have learned that now as a mom. She just had a way of knowing when I was sad or mad or when I lied or when I was keeping a secret. There has not been a day or even an hour sometimes that I don't think of her. She was strong and stoic at the same time soft and warm, when she wanted to be. She was never afraid to let you know what she thought, and though her words of wisdom could sometimes come across as a bit harsh, it always came from a place of love.

Life goes on, the day means something only to those of us that were close to her, June 27th is just another day for most, while we, the ones that loved her, mark another year that she isn't celebrating here on earth. As life has gone on, so have other deaths, and new babies, marriages, and divorces. I guess, in a way, I thought that the world would stop turning, but it hasn't. I am 6 years older than I was when she passed away, in that time I have done a lot of living and learning, and there are days that I wish that she was here to kick my ass a bit.

I miss her, every single day. I am sad and a hole in my heart will never close again, but time goes on. I am angry at times as well, a part of me thinks she gave up when I would have needed her the most, but that is selfish of me and I go back and think of the times she was here, when I had my accident and she sat and held my hand and brushed my hair and made sure I didn't miss out on Christmas, even if it meant keeping our Christmas tree up till I got out of rehab. She was an amazing person, a woman with so much love and life and the best way I can keep her memory going is stop reliving those few bad days and remember the good years; Disney World, Sea Isle, Phillies games, St.Louis, road trips...see there are more good days than bad.

I love you mom,  you are irreplaceable, one of a kind, and loved by so many.