Dear Ex Best Friend

Dear Ex Best Friend,

Hey there, how are you doing these days? It may seem funny hearing from me after all this time, and I guess by now there isn't much to say to you after what happened but there is a part of me that needs to express how truly sorry I am for how things ended.

You were my best friend for a while, I told you my most secret secrets, you knew my hopes and dreams and never made me feel like I was an idiot for them. You encouraged me and inspired me, you made me a better woman. If not for you I would have never opened up to other people. I am sure in the past I have told you this, before it all stopped. But, now years later I think a part of me wants you to know that I still feel the same way and even though you may never really read this, I am grateful to you always.

It is hard to say when things went south for us, or maybe to you you can pin point the exact moment, I am not sure we never really talked about it. I know that my misgivings were a big part of it. I am not a perfect person, and I have made some really horrible mistakes in my life, and I took people   including you for granted that I really shouldn't have. I was a shitty person for a long time. There are zero excuses I can give you, maybe some of it was from my car accident, maybe some of it from trying to deal with a terminally sick mother while I myself still needed her. Or maybe I was, or am, just not as good of a person that I wish I was. But the truth is you deserved a better friend, you deserved to know all the truths even when I  couldn't admit everything to myself. I wish I would have told you how I felt about certain situations I found myself in, or I wish I could have been honest with you about how I really felt about things going on in your life that I may have not agreed with. The truth is I couldn't do any of that at that time. I was too weak. I still may be too weak but at least I am trying to grow and be better, for myself, for my children, for my future relationships.

I wish I could say all of this to your face, but I am scared still. There are no words that can describe the pain that I caused myself and people all around me, and I am scared to talk to those people, you being one of them, about my past. One day, maybe when I am not as hurt or emotional I will be able to look those I hurt straight in the eye and say sorry. Just know that even though we no longer really talk, I think about you all the time. I remember all the good times that we had. And even though I have made it hard to love me, I still love and admire you, always.

Sincerely Yours,
Your Ex Best Friend

Sometimes You Have To Lose, To Win...

I have never shied away, in real life nor on my blog, that I am in fact a bigger woman. I have never been skinny, except maybe when I was a real little kid. I have always been the 'pretty plus' elementary student, the chubby middle-schooler, the overweight high school girl, and the, dare I say it, obese adult. My weight, though I never wanted it to, has always defined who I am, "Oh that is the funny fat girl" "She is a D.U.F.F.-designated ugly fat friend" "Erin, you'd be so much prettier if you would just lose weight" "Fat-ass" "Lazy piece of fat shit"...all these, and more have been used to describe me, Erin. The emotional stress of being fat is probably just as damaging as the physical stress of being fat. I am not sure that people understand that their words, no matter if it comes from a place of love or hate, hurt and they hurt bad.


I have written before about my car accident, and the fact that I practically broke almost my whole right side from waist to knee. It is not a secret that I am, in fact, part bionic with all the metal that is in me. Because of this, it is harder for me to be active like a normal person, add to that the emotional toll of my accident and every other shitty thing that happened to me since 2007 it has been extremely hard for me to lose this weight. It's not like I sit here and love that I look the way that I do, I hate that it hurts for me to do just even simple stuff. Honestly, it sucks.

So, here I am 32, obese and unhappy with myself, so I have made the decision to do something about it. I have decided to get weight loss surgery. I am getting the gastric sleeve, and if everything goes as planned it will be done in June after my children are done school for the summer. I didn't take this decision easily, and I don't see it as "the easy way out", but it is the decision I have made to make sure that I am healthy not just for me, but for my Evan and Ellie. They deserve me at 100%, and this is one of the ways that I can make that possible. Also, there is a part of me that is done being "fat ass" she has been a cushion and an excuse, and I am done with it.

The future, after my surgery, scares me. How do I function now that I lost part of my stomach? What kind of complications will I have post surgery? Will I be happy? But those are the negative thoughts. The positive ones outweigh those. I can't wait to be able to physically do things I haven't been able to do in years. I am waiting with anticipation to see what I look like a year from now. But most of all, I can't wait to live the life I am meant to live with my children. They are my strength. This transformation is for them, just as much as it is for me.

#Dear Me, a letter to 17 year old Erin

In Social Media recently, there has been this fad called #DearMe, I have sat around for the last couple weeks and tried to think of the things that I could write the "younger Erin", and Lord knows that I have made plenty of mistakes. It's just really hard to look back on your life and admit and call yourself out, but I am going to try.


Dear Erin (circa 2000),

Hey there friend, I am writing to you today from the wonderful year of 2015!! That's right, you are almost 32 29 (again!!). Here in the future the Internet is still around, and get this, you can access it on your cell phone (side note no more Snake on your Nokia, now you'll have a phone that is an Android sounds like something straight out of StarWars or something). AND speaking of StarWars, Attack of the Clones (which will be released in 2002) and Revenge of the Sith (released in 2005) aren't nearly as bad as The Phantom Menace, also George Lucas teams up with Disney in 2014 and they are going to release 3 more StarWars movies, hopefully they will be alright especially with how awesome technology is!

Anyway, I don't want to spend this whole time talking about SciFi, though you really should have been truer to your inner nerd when you were younger, nerds are a total thing right now and you would have fit in better in high school now then you did in the late 90's and early 2000's. This whole letter is to let you know things you wished you had known 15 years ago. There is so much that is going to happen to you from college to adulthood that if I wrote it all down, you wouldn't believe me. I hate to tell you this young naive Erin, life isn't easy, and it gets harder with each year instead of easier. Though, I must say you brought a lot of your issues on yourself.

Know this, you are smart and you really should apply yourself more than you do.

• You are talented and you should really practice writing a lot more, so it isn't so hard to do when you are 32 and trying to write the next best American Novel. 
• You are caring, but people are going to see you as weak and you'll become weak, don't. 
• Stand up for yourself, but don't become a bitch, it isn't you even if you try. 
• Don't gossip, not that you do it a lot anyway, but it isn't nice and you don't need that kind of drama. 
• School, especially college, is important finishing on time will make your life a lot easier than you think. 
• Hug your mom and dad and appreciate them more than you do now, as you get older so do Howard and Dee and their days are numbered, Not to be mean but you need to know that they aren't always going to be there.
• Talking about family, spend some more time with Grandmom Dot, she is a link to your past and you'll want to know her stories.
• Forgive those who have been mean to you in high school, what they think really doesn't matter once you're out of high school.
• Don't sell yourself short, you deserve happiness but not someone who is only going to make your life harder than it should be.
• Wear a seat belt, it comes in handy.
• Love and never be ashamed about who you love and why. 

There are a couple things I want to tell you, you are a mom!! You have amazing children one of which will have some issues but you are on top of it, never ever let other people think that they know your children better than you do. They truly are amazing, a true gift from God and the first one will bring you out of a very dark place. 

You need to make better life choices, you don't know everything though you may think you do. Step back and really look and weigh your options.

Lastly, there is no flying cars, or hover boards (Damn it) but technology explodes, and it'll be amazing. MTV still doesn't play music videos, N'SYNC isn't around, but Justin Timberlake is (and no you don't marry him). The best TV show you'll ever watch starts in a few years, and most people don't get it, but you do. Music is better in the 90's, believe me. You'll love and get hurt, you'll lose yourself but you'll start finding yourself again. But most of all, through every good thing and bad thing you keep your sweet, optimistic, and caring self. That is who matters, she is the one that will guide you.

The future is yours for the taking, don't let anyone dim your sparkle,

Erin L. (still) Hewitt

PS. This (#) is no longer a pound sign or a tic-tac-toe board in 2015, it's a "hashtag", and it annoys the crap out of you, suck it up buttercup #getoverit.

Frigging Fairy Tales and the Lies They Tell Us.

Fairy tales from our childhood are the biggest lies we tell ourselves as adults. Don't get me wrong I loved Beauty and The Beast, Snow White, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, and even Shrek, heck I am huge massive Disney fan, but all those fairytales have done nothing but jaded my perception of life. Especially life with men.



As a woman I have dreamt of the perfect life, with a happy ending ever since I saw Prince Charming put that beautiful glass slipper on Cinderella's foot at the end of Cinderella. I remember thinking to myself when I was 8 or 9 year old Erin that I would love to find a Prince Eric out there in the world so that I could change who I was to be perfect for him. In fact, it is pretty much thrown in our faces at an early age as young girls that we are to find Prince Charming and he is going to sweep us off our feet and save us from ourselves. Even Belle in Beauty and the Beast suffered from Stockholm Syndrome to be with the Beast man she thought she should be with. Time in and Time out we are taught that we are the helpless fair creatures and men are here to pick us up off the floor.

Then we grew up, and we have all these repressed memories of fairytales and we think that we have found "Mr.Perfect". And we change ourselves and our surroundings to have our happily after. But does that happen? Do we live happily ever after? Nope. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble bust "Mr.Perfect" is not real, and all those movies we watched are just fiction and fantasy, no wonder a lot of us women are messed up when it comes to men, we have unrealistic expectations for ourselves and for men. Let's face it they aren't the problem either, its society as a whole that is the issue.

Here is the truth ladies; YOU ARE STRONG ON YOUR OWN. You do not have to have a man validate your self worth. We all sparkle in our own way, and our job, when it comes time, is to find the man who is going to compliment our sparkle not one who is going to let it fade. Never settle, just don't stay with someone to justify who you are. The worst thing you can do is linger around and think that he is the best you can get so you may as well stay. Life should not work like that. So dust off your shoulders and knees and stand up and walk away.


We have to remember that we deserve the best, even if we have been a bit crazy in our lives, we do not want to settle for Mr.Sometimes. We should find Mr.Always, the man who will sing the song in our heart back to us, the one who wants us at our best and the one who will love us through our worst. He will be the one whose name gives us chills, whose love we could never imagine living without. He will be the one who holds us when the rest of the world walks away. And that isn't Prince Charming that is Mr.Always and he's out there looking for us, his Miss Forever.

An Undeniable Bond...

"Someday we'll all be gone, but lullaby's go on and on. They never die,  that's how you and I will be" Billy Joel Lullaby (Goodnight My Angel)

I wrote this long blog, remembering every detail of the time period of my mom's death. Yes, I lost my

mom, I was 25 she was 55, she was way too young. Anyway, I had it all written out, every detail, and then I decided that is not what I want to remember.

November 11th, 2008 was one of the worst days I have ever had. I was in the room when she drew in her last labored breath, and watched in silence as the last few beats of her heart were monitored above her, from 40 to 25 to 10 to 0. I witnessed it, I saw it happen. It was the first moment in my life that I didn't have the one person I knew since conception in my life. We didn't always see eye to eye and I am sure I caused her more heartache and gray hair than I care to admit, but she was my mom. There is an undeniable bond between mother and child,I have learned that now as a mom. She just had a way of knowing when I was sad or mad or when I lied or when I was keeping a secret. There has not been a day or even an hour sometimes that I don't think of her. She was strong and stoic at the same time soft and warm, when she wanted to be. She was never afraid to let you know what she thought, and though her words of wisdom could sometimes come across as a bit harsh, it always came from a place of love.

Life goes on, the day means something only to those of us that were close to her, June 27th is just another day for most, while we, the ones that loved her, mark another year that she isn't celebrating here on earth. As life has gone on, so have other deaths, and new babies, marriages, and divorces. I guess, in a way, I thought that the world would stop turning, but it hasn't. I am 6 years older than I was when she passed away, in that time I have done a lot of living and learning, and there are days that I wish that she was here to kick my ass a bit.

I miss her, every single day. I am sad and a hole in my heart will never close again, but time goes on. I am angry at times as well, a part of me thinks she gave up when I would have needed her the most, but that is selfish of me and I go back and think of the times she was here, when I had my accident and she sat and held my hand and brushed my hair and made sure I didn't miss out on Christmas, even if it meant keeping our Christmas tree up till I got out of rehab. She was an amazing person, a woman with so much love and life and the best way I can keep her memory going is stop reliving those few bad days and remember the good years; Disney World, Sea Isle, Phillies games, St.Louis, road trips...see there are more good days than bad.

I love you mom,  you are irreplaceable, one of a kind, and loved by so many.

16 Personalties, and I am an ENFP

Like anyone on Social Media (Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest etc.) I have seen these tests for the Briggs Myers' 16 Personalities test, it has been connected to seeing what Harry Potter character you are most like or what famous person you share qualities with and so on. I am usually skeptical of these kinds of tests on Facebook that lead you to a Buzz-feed quiz and it is not extremely scientific. BUT, I liked the idea of the test so I found this test and I took it. I followed the instructions to a 'T" and answered each question honestly even if it didn't paint me in the greatest of lights.

I got  "ENFP" with my variant being turbulent and my role as diplomat. As I read the description of this, every time I read a new line I was like "OMG THAT IS TOTALLY ME!!"

Hello Erin

• Curious- I am curious to the point where sometimes I can come off as nosey. It has caused a degree of contempt in some of my past relationships.
• Observant- One of my favorite things to do with my mom was to observe people on the boardwalk in Sea Isle City or Atlantic City, we of course called it people watching, but I would observe people make up stories about them in my head, and just watch every day interactions.
• Energetic/Enthusiastic- I am totally enthusiastic especially with new ideas and new people in my life. I have the tendency to forget about older friends and or projects when new people and things come into view.
• Excellent Communicators- Well I mean, I do write, and I communicate very well to those around me. I have a way of drawing people in with my words. I may sound conceited, but I know my strengths.
• How To Relax/Carefree- It is a common theme in my blog and Facebook page that I truly think that life is too short to be so serious. It's not always about the money in the bank but the memories that we take from life. 
• Friendly- I am often told that I am one of the nicest people, and how friendly and open I am. I am not one of those people with "resting bitch face". I am a genuine people person, but not a fake one, I really care about everyone I meet regardless if they are a feature player in my life story or a supporting act. I care, I love everyone.
• Intuitive- Absolutely, a lot of times even after I have met someone once I feel like I know them on a different level.
• Seeks Harmony With Everyone- I loathe confrontation, I want harmony in life in both my personal life and all around me. I do not do well in chaos.
• Needs Acceptance From Everyone- I have heard over and over again in my life that not everyone is going to like me, and though I know this it still makes me sad that I can not please everyone.
• Sometimes You NEED to Unplug- True, sometimes all the social media aspects of life can really get to me, or if I have had a long run of being with people I need some time just for me to unplug and collect my thoughts.
• Hate Having Structure and Being Told What to Do- No truer words have ever been spoken. You tell me to do something one way, I am going to do it the complete opposite way and still have the same outcome.
• Highly Emotional- WELL I once had the nickname Emotional Erin...so I guess it is safe to say yeah that is me.
• Over think/Stress Easily- I don't sit up till 3am over thinking for nothing.

Famous ENFP's

• Robin Williams
• Sandra Bullock
• Walt Disney
• Mark Twain 
• Oscar Wilde
• Arianna Huffington
• Ariel (yup the mermaid)
• Ron Weasley 
• Penelope Garcia (who I often get told I look like, from Criminal Minds)
• Mercutio (From Romeo and Juliet A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!!)

I must say that this personality test totally opened my eyes to things I never even consciously noticed about myself. I suggest everyone to honestly take the test and see where they rank in the scheme of things. I am honored to be an "ENFP" it seems to have shown a new light to me, and I enjoy learning new things.

Sad Songs Say So Much

I have days that I just NEED to cry. One of those days is today. I'm not sure what is going on in my head and heart but I feel like I am not whole. It has a lot to do with this time of year. If you follow me I wrote October ,and it explains why I start feeling this way this time of year.

Anyway, when the emotions build up and I feel like I need to release them I have a list of songs that make me cry, and since I am an emotional masochist I decided to write the list down. I am sorry if I seem a bit out of it recently, I am going to try and write happier things coming up but my mind is a mess and I need to release.

• Someone Like You-Adele. Adele has a way to invoke every damn emotion in the world, with just these words; "Don't forget me I beg. 'I'll remember' you said, sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" We all know that feeling when you love someone but they have moved on and you just can't seem to let them out of your life.

• So Far Away-Avenged Sevenfold. I am a HUGE A7X fan, for years. There drummer passed away a few year back and they wrote this song about him. As a fan that touched me, but this song came out after my mom passed away so it pulls on my emotions there. "Now and then I try to find a place where you can stay, you can stay awake forever." "I love you, you were ready. The pain is strong the urges rise. But I'll see you when He lets me. Your pain is gone, your hands untied." Losing my mom is a whole other blog but this only one of the songs that makes me think of her.

•  God Only Knows-The Beach Boys. I think this song is on my list not only for the lyrics but the haunting melodies that encompass every Beach Boys song, but it is one simple line that does it for me "God only knows what I'd be without you."

•  In My Life-The Beatles There are a plethora of Beatles songs that being so many emotions, that maybe one day I will write a whole blog about my infinite love for The Beatles. But as far as true tear inducing "In My Life" is the winner on that. I, like most little girls, often thought about what my wedding day would be like, and what songs would be played. This song tops the list of songs that I would dance with my dad to. My pops is a huge Beatles fan and I think this would be the perfect ode to him. Sadly, at 31 I am still not married but I am hoping that day comes and I can dance with my dad while singing; "Though I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life I love you more. In my life I love you more."

•  Tears in Heaven-Eric Clapton. Simply you have no soul if this doesn't get to you just a little. "Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure. And I know there'll be no more tears in Heaven."

•  My Way- Frank Sinatra. It sums up the totality of life. This one reminds me of grandmom, she lived life she loved fiercely and was a strong old broad when she passed away at 80 years old. She introduced me to big band and singer and song writers of the 40's and 50's. She taught me so much, she was truly a second mom to me. I wish she was still here to tell her stories. But this song is so her. "I've loved I've laughed and cried. I've had my fill, my share of losing. And as tears subside, I find it all so amusing. To think I did all that, and may I say not in a shy way, oh no oh no not me, I did it my way." 

• Fix You- Coldplay.  There is just so much emotion in this song, between the haunting organ to Chris Martins emotions coming through as he sings "Tears stream down your face when you lose something that you can't replace." We have all been there trying to fix ourselves or someone when the pain is just so evident.

•  Black-Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam is another band that has some very lyrically heavy songs, but Black is haunting, when you listen to it it's the melodies in the guitars and bass, along with Eddie Vedder's piercing voice makes you feel something deep inside, especially with "I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be the sun in somebody elses sky why, why, why can't it be mine?!?" You can just feel the pain coming through his voice.

And finally, it's a happy song seriously. But it makes me cry because I have so much hope for myself. I haven't exactly been the best Erin I could be. But I am trying for the two little people I have been blessed with, but also for myself. For the love that I want, and the love I deserve.

•   At Last- Etta James. For the one my heart will speak to "You smiled yeah you smiled and then the spell was cast. For you are mine at last."

These are just a few songs on my long list of tear inducing songs, but these are the 100% guarantee that no matter where I am I will need a box of tissues to soak up the stream that is about to break free from my sad blue eyes.