Sunday, August 24, 2014
Greener Grass
When you are too busy working on how green your grass is, you stop having time wondering how green others are.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Scars
There are four major life events I have experienced that have completely changed who I am. In no particular order: February 6th 2009, March 22nd 2010, December 8th 2007, and November 12th 2008. Look at that four years in a row changed my life. Two of these dates are the best days I have ever had.
And the other two days are the darkest days. This is about December 8th 2007.
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| At least on the bottom half of me. |
Do you have days in your life that you will always remember, no matter what? I am sure you do, you'll remember the clothes you were wearing, the way things smelled, and the way you reacted when that most important moment happened. I remember driving in a gentle snow, nothing crazy just moderate snowfall. I remember the way that the snow flakes looked as they bounced off of the hood of my car, and the way they looked magical in the head lights of my car. I was so excited that Sirius was playing non stop Christmas music on a couple channels and my car was filled with such sweet sounds of Christmastime; Christmas is absolutely one of my favorite times of year. I love the sounds and smells. The warm fuzzy feeling of being with family and all of the hugs and love you get from family members you don't see very often. Anyway, I was headed to a Christmas party driving behind one of my friends in an area of Jersey I didn't know all to well. And I lost control of my car on a patch of black ice, and before I knew it BANG!! The sound of metal hitting metal, the way the airbag popped up in my face, and the way Oh Holy Night was playing on the radio took over me. I had just been in a head on car accident, and in just a split second everything I had ever known about myself changed, and the former Erin died.
It was instantaneous, as I sat in my car and looked around I knew in a moment I was injured, more than just a cut and maybe a broken bone. My right hip and leg were crushed and distorted in a way that seemed inhumanly possible. My chest hurt like I was being crushed by hands of a huge giant. Every time I tried to move my right leg it was like my mind could not control the movements. I looked around my now totaled car, windows busted out, the smell of oil, the way I could see the pavement of the road on the front passenger floor. My friend Megan, who to this day I do not know how she stayed so calm, came running to my car. I could see it in her face she expected the worst, either me unconscious or even dead. The look on her face when I actually started talking to her was even better, almost relief. She had called 911 as had most people on the road as well. She kept telling me Er be still sit still don't move just stay calm. I was calm, I just wanted to get out of the tangled mess I was in. In what seemed seconds, the police arrived followed by the firetrucks and ambulances, and on their faces was the same look I had from my friend. Is this person alive? And when they found out, relief.
As the emergency workers came upon the scene the same questions were asked over and over again; "What's your name?" "How old are you?" "When is your birthday?" "Who is the president?" over and over and over...Erin, 24, April 19th 1983, Bush Jr...they were just making sure that I was alert and oriented I know that, but it got old. I think now, as I write this, those answers change What's your name? Someone who was once Erin Hewitt, Age? 31 physically, Date of Birth? well that's a hard one. Are you asking for my true date of birth or the day the new Erin was born? In that case December 8th 2007.
I digress, so as the workers were taking vitals and surveying the accident scene it was brought to my attention that I was physically pinned in the car. The dash board came lose from the frame of the car and it was pinning the lower half of my body. From that point things progressed very fast. Firefighters and EMT workers were pulling and trying to lift the dash board off of me, a medic was in the backseat starting an IV in my arm, and I still felt no pain. I was in shock. And then the fire chief came over to me and said "Ms. Hewitt, you're jammed in your car pretty good so we are going to try and use the jaws of life on the car. Do you know what that is? You are going to feel pressure and we are going to cut a part of the car to try and get you out. I need you to stay still, breath, and stay calm." So, that is what they did, and it was scary. There was a firefighter and a medic in the backseat as all this was going on, and the firefighter was joking the whole time keeping me calm. I hope he knows he really helped me that night.
As soon as the part they cut out was removed, I felt the pain. I was hurting bad, before that the car was acting like a splint and keeping my leg in place, not anymore. I can not even put into words the pain I felt, it was nothing like I had ever experienced before. I was still partially stuck in the car, and here comes the worst part, they wanted me to push as hard as I could on my bad leg to get myself out. To this day I don't know what I did or how I did it but with all the adrenaline and strength my broken body could muster, I managed to push my way out of the wreckage that was my car. And there I lay on a stretcher, on a backboard with a collar around my neck. I could not lay correctly and my right leg was so distorted. Not only was it in a funny direction but my leg was so compressed that when I tried to lay with my legs stretched my right leg didn't match with my left, in fact it was just over half the length of my left leg. As they were rolling me away from my car, I only got a glimpse of what the car looked like. The windshield was cracked the bumper was obliterated and it looked like the front half was smashed into the back seat. I did not recognize the car at all. I knew that I was lucky, well at least I was alive.
The ride to the hospital was hell, there was talk about air lifting me to Cooper Hospital in Camden New Jersey but because of the weather the helicopter was unable to make it. So we went in the ambulance, and every little bump and turn was so agonizing. I couldn't get any pain medication because the only think that they had in the ambulance was Morphine. which I am highly allergic to. We went to the first hospital which was Kennedy in Washington Township, but they wouldn't accept me because the ER doctor said I was classified as a level I trauma and I needed to go to a Trauma unit, though they were nice enough to give me Dilaudid to take the edge off. So, up to Cooper we went. I don't remember much from the time we left Kennedy till we got to Cooper. I think the shock of it all was settling in.
Once I got to Cooper, things got real serious. I went into a trauma room in their ER and there were nurses and doctors everywhere. I had people cutting off all my clothes and starting IV's all over me. (funny story, I had just bought new underwear and I was PISSED they were cutting it off, I was critically injured but damn it they just cut off a $40 bra!!) They were trying to evaluate me and rolling me back and forth. The pain was excruciating. I had a portable x-ray done on the spot, and that's when I remember hearing the words 'broken' 'shattered' and 'dislocated'. I had finally been drugged properly, and the doctor told me I had a bunch of fractures and breaks in at least my leg and hip but they needed to do a better x-ray and a CAT-Scan to see if I had any other serious injuries, and for those tests they were going to twilight sedate me. I don't remember anything about those tests, the next thing I knew they were telling me that they were going to put me in a medically induced coma to try and fix my hip temporarily because it was completely dislocated. After that it was lights out Erin. I remember waking up once while I was intubated and my parents were there along with my boyfriend and I was in traction. I was sent to a Trauma Unit, and I was in external traction. I do not remember a lot of this time period I was on continuous pain medicine and was in and out.
When all was said and done I had broken my right femur, shattered and broken most of my right hip, cracked and fractured my pelvis in 6 different places, and broke my lower back and tail bone. I had also bruised the cavity around my heart and had a concussion. I spent just about 7 weeks in Cooper Hospital, a week and a half of that was in Trauma ICU the other weeks were on a unit called Cardiac Care Unit because I needed to be hooked to telemetry because of the swelling around my heart was causing my heart to have arrhythmia's so I needed to be monitored constantly. Also, because I had so much trauma in my pelvic cavity my bladder was in a different place as was my uterus. They still functioned they just were placed differently. I had 3 surgeries all of which were over 5 hours long, the shortest was 5 and a half hours long, the longest was just about 13 hours long. I have a bunch of metal placed in me that keeps the lower half of me together, one of the Operation reports says 58 the other says 68, I just know that I have a lot.
I spent Christmas and New Years in the hospital, earlier I said it was my favorite time of year, this one sucked. Hospitals in general are depressing, they are even worse during the Holidays. My parents and family and friends visited me often, and I always had flowers and fruit baskets in my room. My mom decorated my room for Christmas with a fiber optic tree and lights. There were cards all over my walls from friends cheering me up. But it still sucked. Depression hit me hard. I hated that I could not feel my leg, I hated that I had to stay in one position most of the time. I hated that the wounds from my operations got infected and I ended up with sepsis. I also caught a nasty hospital bug called C-Diff, it was horrible. I hated everything and I had some really REALLY dark days. I was discharged from Cooper Hospital but still could not go home, so I had to go to a rehab hospital. I hated it there too, all I wanted was to be home in my own bed. I am grateful now for both Cooper Hospital and the rehab I went to because with out their experience and knowledge and hard work, who knows how bad off I would be.
But, it doesn't end there. A part of me died on December 8th, 2007. To this day I still have range of motion issues with my right leg, and most of my leg from the knee to the hip is numb because of the extensive nerve damage. I can not sit or stand for long periods of time, and I walk with a noticeable limp. I used to be carefree and full of life, and now I am always careful to the edge of almost obsessive with safety, and my life isn't nearly as full as it could be. My mental health hasn't exactly helped me either, and I used to think in the past that it would have been easier had I died that night. Now, don't get me wrong I am happy that I am still here, I am even happier that I have two children who love me unconditionally and who I love the same way. In many ways they are the reason I am still here. But, that doesn't make me not wish that I had done things differently that day. I wish the pain wasn't real, but it is and it sucks.
I go on though. I smile and laugh. I make jokes and witty comments, but I am not the same Erin I was on December 7th 2007. That Erin is a distant memory. She exists in a time and place that is no longer here. I miss her sometimes, she was a great person with such great potential. I still am a great person with potential, but she was different. I buried her away and adapt now to the new Erin that was born on December 8th 2007. She may not be who I think she should be, but I do what I can. This new Erin is a mix of so much, and it has taken me a long time to be okay with the death of the old me.
As soon as the part they cut out was removed, I felt the pain. I was hurting bad, before that the car was acting like a splint and keeping my leg in place, not anymore. I can not even put into words the pain I felt, it was nothing like I had ever experienced before. I was still partially stuck in the car, and here comes the worst part, they wanted me to push as hard as I could on my bad leg to get myself out. To this day I don't know what I did or how I did it but with all the adrenaline and strength my broken body could muster, I managed to push my way out of the wreckage that was my car. And there I lay on a stretcher, on a backboard with a collar around my neck. I could not lay correctly and my right leg was so distorted. Not only was it in a funny direction but my leg was so compressed that when I tried to lay with my legs stretched my right leg didn't match with my left, in fact it was just over half the length of my left leg. As they were rolling me away from my car, I only got a glimpse of what the car looked like. The windshield was cracked the bumper was obliterated and it looked like the front half was smashed into the back seat. I did not recognize the car at all. I knew that I was lucky, well at least I was alive.
The ride to the hospital was hell, there was talk about air lifting me to Cooper Hospital in Camden New Jersey but because of the weather the helicopter was unable to make it. So we went in the ambulance, and every little bump and turn was so agonizing. I couldn't get any pain medication because the only think that they had in the ambulance was Morphine. which I am highly allergic to. We went to the first hospital which was Kennedy in Washington Township, but they wouldn't accept me because the ER doctor said I was classified as a level I trauma and I needed to go to a Trauma unit, though they were nice enough to give me Dilaudid to take the edge off. So, up to Cooper we went. I don't remember much from the time we left Kennedy till we got to Cooper. I think the shock of it all was settling in.
Once I got to Cooper, things got real serious. I went into a trauma room in their ER and there were nurses and doctors everywhere. I had people cutting off all my clothes and starting IV's all over me. (funny story, I had just bought new underwear and I was PISSED they were cutting it off, I was critically injured but damn it they just cut off a $40 bra!!) They were trying to evaluate me and rolling me back and forth. The pain was excruciating. I had a portable x-ray done on the spot, and that's when I remember hearing the words 'broken' 'shattered' and 'dislocated'. I had finally been drugged properly, and the doctor told me I had a bunch of fractures and breaks in at least my leg and hip but they needed to do a better x-ray and a CAT-Scan to see if I had any other serious injuries, and for those tests they were going to twilight sedate me. I don't remember anything about those tests, the next thing I knew they were telling me that they were going to put me in a medically induced coma to try and fix my hip temporarily because it was completely dislocated. After that it was lights out Erin. I remember waking up once while I was intubated and my parents were there along with my boyfriend and I was in traction. I was sent to a Trauma Unit, and I was in external traction. I do not remember a lot of this time period I was on continuous pain medicine and was in and out.
When all was said and done I had broken my right femur, shattered and broken most of my right hip, cracked and fractured my pelvis in 6 different places, and broke my lower back and tail bone. I had also bruised the cavity around my heart and had a concussion. I spent just about 7 weeks in Cooper Hospital, a week and a half of that was in Trauma ICU the other weeks were on a unit called Cardiac Care Unit because I needed to be hooked to telemetry because of the swelling around my heart was causing my heart to have arrhythmia's so I needed to be monitored constantly. Also, because I had so much trauma in my pelvic cavity my bladder was in a different place as was my uterus. They still functioned they just were placed differently. I had 3 surgeries all of which were over 5 hours long, the shortest was 5 and a half hours long, the longest was just about 13 hours long. I have a bunch of metal placed in me that keeps the lower half of me together, one of the Operation reports says 58 the other says 68, I just know that I have a lot.
I spent Christmas and New Years in the hospital, earlier I said it was my favorite time of year, this one sucked. Hospitals in general are depressing, they are even worse during the Holidays. My parents and family and friends visited me often, and I always had flowers and fruit baskets in my room. My mom decorated my room for Christmas with a fiber optic tree and lights. There were cards all over my walls from friends cheering me up. But it still sucked. Depression hit me hard. I hated that I could not feel my leg, I hated that I had to stay in one position most of the time. I hated that the wounds from my operations got infected and I ended up with sepsis. I also caught a nasty hospital bug called C-Diff, it was horrible. I hated everything and I had some really REALLY dark days. I was discharged from Cooper Hospital but still could not go home, so I had to go to a rehab hospital. I hated it there too, all I wanted was to be home in my own bed. I am grateful now for both Cooper Hospital and the rehab I went to because with out their experience and knowledge and hard work, who knows how bad off I would be.
But, it doesn't end there. A part of me died on December 8th, 2007. To this day I still have range of motion issues with my right leg, and most of my leg from the knee to the hip is numb because of the extensive nerve damage. I can not sit or stand for long periods of time, and I walk with a noticeable limp. I used to be carefree and full of life, and now I am always careful to the edge of almost obsessive with safety, and my life isn't nearly as full as it could be. My mental health hasn't exactly helped me either, and I used to think in the past that it would have been easier had I died that night. Now, don't get me wrong I am happy that I am still here, I am even happier that I have two children who love me unconditionally and who I love the same way. In many ways they are the reason I am still here. But, that doesn't make me not wish that I had done things differently that day. I wish the pain wasn't real, but it is and it sucks.
I go on though. I smile and laugh. I make jokes and witty comments, but I am not the same Erin I was on December 7th 2007. That Erin is a distant memory. She exists in a time and place that is no longer here. I miss her sometimes, she was a great person with such great potential. I still am a great person with potential, but she was different. I buried her away and adapt now to the new Erin that was born on December 8th 2007. She may not be who I think she should be, but I do what I can. This new Erin is a mix of so much, and it has taken me a long time to be okay with the death of the old me.
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| truth |
Saturday, August 16, 2014
When the Mind and the Heart Are At Odds.
"I used to believe in us, when times got tough, but lately I'm afraid that even love is not enough" Sugarland-Just Might (Make me Believe)
What happens when love is not enough to make a relationship last? Does it end? Do you go on make believing that everything is okay, because even tough those feelings of love are still there? Or is it you really don't love that person anymore, and you love the feeling of familiarity?
I just do not have the answers to these questions. I do know that love really is not enough to make some thing work out that was never meant to be. You can love some one with all of your heart, but what if your head is telling you "no". If that happens does it work? I suppose that your head and heart have to be in sync with one another on order for love to work. In my opinion that is the only way that
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| Ain't that the truth. |
Loving some one does not mean you absolutely have to be with them. Is it worth the heartache when the person that you are with is also the person that makes you cry? I don't think so. Love is not enough if that person has lied and cheated over and over again. you may still look at him or her with love, but they are not who they used to be. Your heart makes some crazy decisions, and you should not have to pay for the mistakes that your heart makes on a whim. I believe that it may be along the lines that once we are familiar with some one, we just stay. We become complacent, and losing something familiar, albeit some thing not so healthy hurts a lot. When you recognize that what you have is not enough it is time for you to stand own your own two feet, gather your pride, and walk away.
I have written it before, and I will write it again; YOU ARE ENOUGH. Regardless if you have made your own mistakes, and regardless of your flaws, you are enough. You so DO NOT have to stay in an unhealthy relationship, even if you think you love the person you are with because some times the best thing and the most mature thing you can do is end it. Ending it shows the other person that you love them enough to not let a charade continue.
Remember this, above all, YOU are who you are, your feelings, thoughts, and emotions make you the person you are.. If you are with some one who is unable to love all of you, then you aren't with the person you are meant to be with. Be proud of who you are, love you and find the person who loves the you you love. (thank you Sex and the City for that) Find the person who will make your heart smile, the one who after years of being together makes your insides melt when they say your name. If you can find that person, than my friend you are luckier than most people on this earth. You found your soul mate. But do not settle, you are too good to settle for anything less than wonderful.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Before
A Little Self-Reflection Never Hurt Anyone
In my life I have been through so many trials and tribulations, from the death of my former self in a
tragic car accident, to the unexpected birth of my children, to the loss of my mom. Writing about these experiences is freeing and therapeutic, my stories are mine some I will share some I will keep to myself.
Through all of these things, there is one constant lesson I have learned; and that is that Life goes on. And in that life is so extremely short to care; well let me say it is too short to care about the small stuff, and especially the stuff you can not change. It has taken me some time to get to a place in life where I have stopped caring about what other people thing of who, and what I am. The truth is this, I am Erin, I have crazy quirks, I am emotional, I build up walls when I think some one is too close, I am a complete mess at times. But I am also smart, engaging, fun, witty and caring, too caring some times which can also be a fault.
And that goes for you reading this. You should be enough for you and the people around you. Surround yourself with supporters instead of haters. I think that once people stop judging and just embrace people for who they are, this world we be an amazingly beautiful place. Look beyond people's outside, and even some of their quirks on the inside and see people for the true value of who they are.
tragic car accident, to the unexpected birth of my children, to the loss of my mom. Writing about these experiences is freeing and therapeutic, my stories are mine some I will share some I will keep to myself.
Through all of these things, there is one constant lesson I have learned; and that is that Life goes on. And in that life is so extremely short to care; well let me say it is too short to care about the small stuff, and especially the stuff you can not change. It has taken me some time to get to a place in life where I have stopped caring about what other people thing of who, and what I am. The truth is this, I am Erin, I have crazy quirks, I am emotional, I build up walls when I think some one is too close, I am a complete mess at times. But I am also smart, engaging, fun, witty and caring, too caring some times which can also be a fault.
As I have mentioned, I have learned a lot in the 31 (omg I am 31) years I have been on this planet. Life is too short, this has occurred to me not only when I have lost people close to me from death but also from losing them when they have decided to walk away from me. That is a pain that hurts forever. When someone you have trusted and loved just walks away, it tears you up. But once again, I pick
myself back up and keep going forward.
I admit I have made some pretty big mistakes in my life, and maybe this contributes to the actions of people who have walked away from me. But the truth is I do not want my life be a constant regret. I once read a quote by Sofia Loren, and it has stuck with me for years, "I regret nothing, regrets only make wrinkles." Isn't that the truth though? I mean we all do the things that we do in our lives because at one time it made sense, made us feel good, or it was some thing that we really wanted to do. So, why regret anything?
The truth is we are who we are, and who ever is looking out over us has made us who we are. Not every one that you meet in life is going to love or even like you. I have come to realize that, even though it sucks. But, I am not here on this Earth to prove myself to anyone, but me. I am enough for me, and if you are in my life personally who I am should be enough for you as well.
I admit I have made some pretty big mistakes in my life, and maybe this contributes to the actions of people who have walked away from me. But the truth is I do not want my life be a constant regret. I once read a quote by Sofia Loren, and it has stuck with me for years, "I regret nothing, regrets only make wrinkles." Isn't that the truth though? I mean we all do the things that we do in our lives because at one time it made sense, made us feel good, or it was some thing that we really wanted to do. So, why regret anything?
The truth is we are who we are, and who ever is looking out over us has made us who we are. Not every one that you meet in life is going to love or even like you. I have come to realize that, even though it sucks. But, I am not here on this Earth to prove myself to anyone, but me. I am enough for me, and if you are in my life personally who I am should be enough for you as well.
And that goes for you reading this. You should be enough for you and the people around you. Surround yourself with supporters instead of haters. I think that once people stop judging and just embrace people for who they are, this world we be an amazingly beautiful place. Look beyond people's outside, and even some of their quirks on the inside and see people for the true value of who they are.
After all, life's too short to even care at all.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
When the Funny Man Died.
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| The movie that inspires me to this day. |
I never get upset about celebrities passing. It happens to all of us, we are born we live a life and we die, it is the natural order of things. But, when I got the news that Robin Williams passed, it got to me. I don't know if that is because I have loved so many of his movies from his comedic roles to his dramatic ones, or if it is because I found comfort in watching him. What hurt the most was that he did not die from a heart attack or cancer or any other disease like that, but he died from a disease that gets swept under the rug because it is "taboo" to talk about.
Depression is not a joke and it is a disease, and it eats at you just as cancer does, but it does it slowly. I have had my own bouts of depression and post traumatic stress disorder, it is hard to be in control when your mind does not want to cooperate. It is not something that you can "snap out of" Suicide is not a selfish act, it is not an act of ending it because it is too much for you, it is an act because you feel like you have become too much to others around you.
I guess this hit me hard because of the struggles that I have had in the past, and for the fact that I fight every day to keep the harmful thoughts away. Until you are in the shoes of some one who has these kinds of illnesses do not judge. I hope that with the passing of Robin Williams we all take a look at mental health as a serious issue. I would hope that is one of his greatest legacies.
If you are sad and need some one to talk to please say some thing to a trusted friend, or even call the suicide prevention line the number is 1-800-273-8255. Please say something, because you are bigger than your worst days. There is always hope.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Going From Momma to Mom.
I am a horrible horrible blogger!! I am so sorry that I haven't blogged in over 2 months!! And this blog is in its infancy. Forgive me.
So this summer has been incredibly busy. My oldest son is getting ready to start Kindergarten in September, so June was filled with activities for the end of school; like field trips, music concerts, field day and graduation!! It is crazy to think that this child who I gave birth to just 5 short years ago is going to be starting full time school, from this moment on my life and his changes! It is an exciting and amazing road we have been on.
Though ,I have to tell you this is not Evan's first time in school and away from me. He has been in a preschool program since he was 3 years old because he didn't talk. I haven't shared too much of my struggles with Evan because in my mind he has always been my perfect son.
When he was about 18 months I noticed that he wasn't really using any kind of language to communicate with us. At first, I thought, he was just trying to still be a baby because I had just had Ellie. It never got better, so at about two months before his 2nd birthday we had him evaluated. It ended up that he was speech and learning delayed along with having a few issues with his gross and fine motor skills. I was devastated to say the least. I had him tested five times for autism and each time it was negative. I was relieved but still wondering what was wrong with my son.
Through therapy and speech therapy he has excelled and developed into a typical 5 year old. It has not been easy, I have worked my butt off with him to help him develop into the boy he is today. I will never be able to express the admiration I have for the teachers and therapists that helped Evan along the way. But he made it. And not only has he made it, he will start Kindergarten in September unclassified without an IEP and I seriously could not be happier. Evan did it, he overcame his disability and he is a strong intelligent boy.
Confession time: there is a part of me that wants to rewind time, I want to remember every inch of him as a newborn, the way he always smelled of milk and cornflowers. My mind reaches to recall his first crawl that lead to his first steps. I want to etch in my memory the way he used to call 'momma momma momma'. I have not been momma in a long time, now I am hardly mommy I have become just mom, or the ever loving ma. He was my strength when he was born, he lead me from the dark side to a light one. I am not ready for the heart aches that comes with growing up. I'm not looking forward to the time when a friend decides they don't want to be friends with him anymore. I want to protect him forever, I want him to stay my gentle sweet boy.
So this summer has been incredibly busy. My oldest son is getting ready to start Kindergarten in September, so June was filled with activities for the end of school; like field trips, music concerts, field day and graduation!! It is crazy to think that this child who I gave birth to just 5 short years ago is going to be starting full time school, from this moment on my life and his changes! It is an exciting and amazing road we have been on.
Though ,I have to tell you this is not Evan's first time in school and away from me. He has been in a preschool program since he was 3 years old because he didn't talk. I haven't shared too much of my struggles with Evan because in my mind he has always been my perfect son.
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| Momma and Evan. |
When he was about 18 months I noticed that he wasn't really using any kind of language to communicate with us. At first, I thought, he was just trying to still be a baby because I had just had Ellie. It never got better, so at about two months before his 2nd birthday we had him evaluated. It ended up that he was speech and learning delayed along with having a few issues with his gross and fine motor skills. I was devastated to say the least. I had him tested five times for autism and each time it was negative. I was relieved but still wondering what was wrong with my son.
Through therapy and speech therapy he has excelled and developed into a typical 5 year old. It has not been easy, I have worked my butt off with him to help him develop into the boy he is today. I will never be able to express the admiration I have for the teachers and therapists that helped Evan along the way. But he made it. And not only has he made it, he will start Kindergarten in September unclassified without an IEP and I seriously could not be happier. Evan did it, he overcame his disability and he is a strong intelligent boy.
Confession time: there is a part of me that wants to rewind time, I want to remember every inch of him as a newborn, the way he always smelled of milk and cornflowers. My mind reaches to recall his first crawl that lead to his first steps. I want to etch in my memory the way he used to call 'momma momma momma'. I have not been momma in a long time, now I am hardly mommy I have become just mom, or the ever loving ma. He was my strength when he was born, he lead me from the dark side to a light one. I am not ready for the heart aches that comes with growing up. I'm not looking forward to the time when a friend decides they don't want to be friends with him anymore. I want to protect him forever, I want him to stay my gentle sweet boy.
Come September it changes. I won't be able to always protect him. Don't get me wrong, I love that he is growing up, and I am eager to see what life has in store for my beautiful boy. But I wish, just for a moment, that I could go back and hold my precious baby and drink him
up in all of his newborn innocence.
 |
| And off he goes.. |
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