Hey there, how are you doing these days? It may seem funny hearing from me after all this time, and I guess by now there isn't much to say to you after what happened but there is a part of me that needs to express how truly sorry I am for how things ended.
You were my best friend for a while, I told you my most secret secrets, you knew my hopes and dreams and never made me feel like I was an idiot for them. You encouraged me and inspired me, you made me a better woman. If not for you I would have never opened up to other people. I am sure in the past I have told you this, before it all stopped. But, now years later I think a part of me wants you to know that I still feel the same way and even though you may never really read this, I am grateful to you always.
It is hard to say when things went south for us, or maybe to you you can pin point the exact moment, I am not sure we never really talked about it. I know that my misgivings were a big part of it. I am not a perfect person, and I have made some really horrible mistakes in my life, and I took people including you for granted that I really shouldn't have. I was a shitty person for a long time. There are zero excuses I can give you, maybe some of it was from my car accident, maybe some of it from trying to deal with a terminally sick mother while I myself still needed her. Or maybe I was, or am, just not as good of a person that I wish I was. But the truth is you deserved a better friend, you deserved to know all the truths even when I couldn't admit everything to myself. I wish I would have told you how I felt about certain situations I found myself in, or I wish I could have been honest with you about how I really felt about things going on in your life that I may have not agreed with. The truth is I couldn't do any of that at that time. I was too weak. I still may be too weak but at least I am trying to grow and be better, for myself, for my children, for my future relationships.
I wish I could say all of this to your face, but I am scared still. There are no words that can describe the pain that I caused myself and people all around me, and I am scared to talk to those people, you being one of them, about my past. One day, maybe when I am not as hurt or emotional I will be able to look those I hurt straight in the eye and say sorry. Just know that even though we no longer really talk, I think about you all the time. I remember all the good times that we had. And even though I have made it hard to love me, I still love and admire you, always.
Sincerely Yours,
Your Ex Best Friend
