I have never shied away, in real life nor on my blog, that I am in fact a bigger woman. I have never been skinny, except maybe when I was a real little kid. I have always been the 'pretty plus' elementary student, the chubby middle-schooler, the overweight high school girl, and the, dare I say it, obese adult. My weight, though I never wanted it to, has always defined who I am, "
Oh that is the funny fat girl" "
She is a D.U.F.F.-designated ugly fat friend" "
Erin, you'd be so much prettier if you would just lose weight" "
Fat-ass" "
Lazy piece of fat shit"...all these, and more have been used to describe me,
Erin. The emotional stress of being fat is probably
just as damaging as the physical stress of being fat. I am not sure that people understand that their words, no matter if it comes from a place of love or hate, hurt and they hurt bad.
I have written before about my car accident, and the fact that I practically broke almost my whole right side from waist to knee. It is not a secret that I am, in fact, part bionic with all the metal that is in me. Because of this, it is harder for me to be active like a normal person, add to that the emotional toll of my accident and every other shitty thing that happened to me since 2007 it has been extremely hard for me to lose this weight. It's not like I sit here and love that I look the way that I do, I hate that it hurts for me to do just even simple stuff. Honestly, it sucks.
So, here I am 32, obese and unhappy with myself, so I have made the decision to do something about it. I have decided to get weight loss surgery. I am getting the gastric sleeve, and if everything goes as planned it will be done in June after my children are done school for the summer. I didn't take this decision easily, and I don't see it as "the easy way out", but it is the decision I have made to make sure that I am healthy not just for me, but for my Evan and Ellie. They deserve me at 100%, and this is one of the ways that I can make that possible. Also, there is a part of me that is done being "
fat ass" she has been a cushion and an excuse, and I am done with it.
The future, after my surgery, scares me. How do I function now that I lost part of my stomach? What kind of complications will I have post surgery? Will I be happy? But those are the negative thoughts. The positive ones outweigh those. I can't wait to be able to physically do things I haven't been able to do in years. I am waiting with anticipation to see what I look like a year from now. But most of all, I can't wait to live the life I am meant to live with my children. They are my strength. This transformation is for them, just as much as it is for me.
